Sexual Violence: No Excuse
Hundreds of women each year become victims of sexual violence. The questions are many and the answers are few; victims and experts share their stories.
By Emily Silva
December 1, 2008
She was 19, he was 25. It was a typical party night at the on-campus bar. She got dressed with her friends, pre-gamed and hit up the bar. The only difference was she was drunker than she had ever been.
“I remember seeing this guy and I thought he was cute, so I was drunk enough that I went up and introduced myself.” Life was never the same after that fateful Valentine’s Day night. Kelly McDonald*, an active freshman at Elon University, was raped by the man she had called “just a nice guy.” Over the course of a semester, he raped her four times.
Bursting the Bubble
“One in three to one in four women will be a survivor of attempted or completed sexual assault during their time in college,” said Leigh-Anne Royster, the coordinator for personal health programs and community well-being at Elon. Royster helps both male and female students cope with the stress of relationship and sexual violence, despite the stigma that women are the only victims of rape and violence. Roughly five percent of women abuse men, said Sam Parker, executive director of Family Abuse Services in Burlington.
“I think it’s a cultural issue,” Royster said. “I certainly don’t think it is individual behavior, which is why I try to steer clear of this whole, ‘Be safe, always lock your door’ thing.” However, being alert in situations can help, she said. Traveling in groups at night, being aware of surroundings and staying in a group while out partying are tips for staying safe. Alcohol consumption is a major way college students lose control over themselves and what’s going on around them.
“After drinking, it becomes easier to dance, easier to make conversation with people we don’t know, to talk, to laugh, whatever. Inhibitions break down,” according to The Bacchus Network, the world’s largest student health organization that has been in effect since 1975. The network tries to educate college students about their potential risks by providing educational brochures to universities around the country. Elon provides several brochures and pamphlets about sexual and relationship abuse upstairs in Moseley and in the health center. The question is: do students really look at them? And if they do, do they help?
Every Elon student knows the term “The Bubble,” and we all think it exists. But really, it doesn’t. Sexual and relationship violence is prevalent at Elon, just as at any other school in the nation. Although sexual violence is prevalent among college-aged students, it definitely happens in “real life,” as well. On the national level, “the sanctions and punishments set in place for rape and sexual assaults are strong, which is what they need to be,” said Elon junior Josh Pfeiffer. “It’s important for governments to recognize the seriousness of this issue.”
Although the punishments are in place for perpetrators, “in general, sexual violence has been a neglected area of research,” according to the World Health Organization’s World Report on Violence and Health. Because not much has been studied about it, there are still many issues with people reporting incidents of assault. “Probably a large number of relationship violence and sexual violence goes unreported,” Royster said. “Roughly 40 to 50 women and men per year seek services from my office and that includes intimate partner violence or rape or sexual assault; all those things together.”
Forty-two people sought services from Royster’s office from August 2007 to February 2008 and that number is about average for that time frame, Royster said. She usually sees between 400 and 500 cases a year, but she knows the number of people needing the services is higher. Reporting a sexual assault can be difficult for people because of many reasons. Victims may be afraid to tell their story to the police, their family or their friends because of embarrassment or shame. Also, they may have also been threatened by the perpetrator, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. But in order to tell someone what happened, the victim has to relive the experience, said McDonald, and many do not want to do so because of the emotional distress it causes.
Elon encourages students to visit the health center if they have experienced rape or sexual assault. “The next morning (after being raped), I went to the health center,” McDonald said. “I had been going a lot because I was scared. I knew he didn’t use a condom, so that’s why I had to go the first time. But they never asked me if I was raped.” Rather, McDonald was asked if she was having “rough sex” because she was bleeding. No one ever hinted toward her being raped. She never told any health care center nurses or doctors that she was raped. They assumed she had a boyfriend, she said, and she just went along with it. “I was kind of hoping someone would bring it up,” she said. “I was in such a state of denial.”
Sexual violence “truly is a horrible thing which needs to be taken more seriously,” said Johnie Blackwell, a senior at Elon. “Elon has the right idea by having counselors and people there to talk to.” Elon is known for its organizations led primarily by students, and having “a student-run organization would be a big help to minimize this ongoing problem,” Blackwell said.
Seeing Double
“I didn’t really think ‘rape’ until long after the fact,” McDonald said. “All I knew was that I was very uncomfortable and not ok with it, but I never could really call it rape because I knew that I had been hanging out with him and I had initiated so much of getting to know this person.”
Deciphering between rape and consensual intercourse shouldn’t be the brain-racking decision it is for many women. “Domestic violence is a pattern of domination in which batterers intentionally choose to cause fear, injury and/or pain in order to gain and maintain power and control over their partners,” according to the North Carolina Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCCADV). Although many students experience rape or sexual violence during their time in college, there are many who experience it at an earlier age, as well. One in four women experience sexual abuse before college, Parker said. Since deciding what constitutes rape and what does not is so hard for older women, it is possibly harder for younger victims. “Not a lot of people will talk about it and recognize rape as rape and take it for what it is. But that doesn’t mean that you’re not justified in saying you were raped and seeking help,” McDonald said.
Elon sophomore Marcy Holland* became a victim of rape her sophomore year of high school; she was 15. During a trip to Pittsburg, Pa. to visit a friend, Holland was introduced to Greg, a student in her friend’s math class. “Everybody said, ‘Greg’s the shit,’” Holland said. “Everybody loved him.” Their talking led to making out and making out led to much more. “It got really intense and I was not comfortable with that,” Holland said. She then passed out. She woke up later that night to Greg raping her. She repeatedly told him “no” and “stop,” but she was too drunk to do anything else, and passed out again. To this day, Holland does not know how she got back to her friend’s house that night, where she was staying while in Pittsburg. The next morning, she woke up in her friend’s bed with absolutely no recollection of what had happened the night before until she found a used condom in her underwear and “it all flooded back.”
“I couldn’t believe I had let it happen,” Holland said, “I was drunk and I didn’t fight back. I was stupid enough to hook up with him in the first place. I never thought it was his fault because I had let myself be taken advantage of, even though I had said no.” All she needed to do was say no and he should have stopped. Unfortunately, that was not the case with Holland and is not the case with many more victims of rape.
Date-Rape Drugs
The third time she was raped, McDonald ran into her rapist at the local bar. “I remember talking to him and him apologizing [for the previous two times] and just acting like it was a normal thing,” she said. “Not apologizing because he did something wrong, but I just remember him being apologetic.” Her memory is a complete blank until the next morning, when she woke up to him lying next to her in bed.
Her abdominals in pain, McDonald found herself wrapped in a bloody towel with wet hair. She woke up the sleeping man and told him he had to leave because she had class. Oddly, he obliged. “At that point, I was scared,” McDonald said. As she entered the bathroom to take her morning shower, “I noticed his clothes at the bottom of the shower,” she said. “I started to remember a little bit and the only thing I did remember was being in the shower, but it was really brief.” Brief, but clear; her memory is of him holding her up by her neck in the shower with the water running. “It was obvious that he did have sex with me,” she said.
Starting in health class in middle school, students are warned against the dangers of date-rape drugs. Yet, they still manage to circulate themselves around our schools and communities. The three most common drugs are Rohypnol, gamma-Hydroxybutyric acid (GHB) and Ketamine. “The drugs can make you become weak and confused – or even pass out – so that you are unable to refuse sex or defend yourself,” according to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (USDHHS). “If you are drugged, you might not remember what happened while you were drugged.”
These drugs come in all forms; they can be odorless and/or colorless and slipped into drinks or food without any trace. They can also be in the form of pills, powder or vaccinations. Out of these three, Rohypnol is the only one illegal in the U.S. The other two are used for medicinal purposes; Ketamine more predominately in veterinary clinics. Ecstasy is another drug that can be used as for date-rape, but it is not as common as the other three. Alcohol is actually the most common drug used in instances of sexual assault. “Even if a victim of sexual assault drank alcohol or willingly took drugs, the victim is not at fault for being assaulted. You cannot ‘ask for it’ or cause it to happen,” according to the USDHHS.
From “I Do” to “I Don’t”
“Often, men who coerce a spouse into a sexual act believe their actions are legitimate because they are married to the woman,” according to the World Health Organization. Rape can occur in all kinds of relationships: between strangers, acquaintances, relationships and marriages. In the early 1990s, North Carolina labeled unwanted sex between spouses as rape. Domestic violence (also referred to as “family violence”) affects every man, woman and child in America. “Sexual violence can destroy relationships and marriages,” said Pfeiffer. Perpetrators of rape are reported to be intimate partners 30.4 percent of the time, according to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). About 1.5 million women each year are raped or sexually assaulted by an intimate partner.
After being raped, Holland found herself in a two-year relationship with a physically and emotionally abusive boyfriend. He hit her twice; both times it was completely uncalled for. “I was irritating him and he slapped me,” Holland said. “We’d fight all the time because I’d be doing sweet things for him and he wouldn’t appreciate me.” She was forced to drive 20 minutes to pick him up so they could spend time together and never once during their relationship was her birthday celebrated. “We’re in a relationship; you can get over it,” he said, according to Holland, whenever she protested. After one fight, he called her a “fucking cunt bitch” and Holland cut herself off from the relationship entirely. “I didn’t get anything from him,” she said.
A Societal Change
“We live in a culture of violence,” Royster said. “We socialize gender roles from a very early age. Expectations of men, or expectations of women in our culture contribute to sexual and relationship violence in the biggest way.”
“Males should be made aware at an early age about the negatives of sexual violence,” Pfeiffer said. “As someone who has experienced a violent act within my family, I have seen firsthand the damages that can be done.”
“‘Domestic violence’ is a name we’ve given to extreme violence in our culture,” said Parker. “It’s a civil rights issue.” Girls who grow up in an abusive home are much more likely to end up in a violent relationship, Parker said, and young boys who see violence being inflicted upon women in their lives are more likely to do the same thing. It’s a vicious circle.
Parker and his co-workers at Family Abuse Services are working to change the current cycle our society is in, as are many organizations in the U.S. Parker recommended four ways to prevent sexual violence among future generations: educate the public, set standards for treating one another at an early age, teach children and work toward equal rights for women and children in our global society. Part of working toward a better future is helping those suffering now from violence at home; primarily women and children. In Burlington, Family Abuse Services acts as a transitional housing center, equipped with 28 beds, where women fleeing abusive home lives can stay for up to 90 days. Each year, roughly 700 people utilize this community service, Parker said.
On a state-wide level, The North Carolina Coalition against Sexual Assault (NCCASA) created The Statewide Campus Consortium to “present an opportunity for colleges and universities in North Carolina to work together on the issue of sexual violence on campus.” Bringing college students together in awareness will hopefully bring some peace to campuses around the country. Currently, there are approximately 30 schools involved.
In order to keep in connection with the other resources in the U.S. for victims of sexual assault and rape, the National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC) was created in 2000 as a hub of information about the various resources available around the country. “The NSVRC enjoys a strong partnership with state, territory and tribal anti-sexual assault coalitions and allied organizations.” Understanding the resources available to the public is important for victims of sexual assault, so they know they are not alone and that help is out there. Services are not supplied directly to victims from the NSVRC, but the organization supports other organizations who do work directly with survivors.
“It’s important to work with local people,” Parker said, like the police and organizations trying to work toward the same goal of helping people in need. Most communities have service locations such as Family Abuse Services, but there are not as many as there should be, Parker said.
Looking to the Future
Being honest with oneself and with others is the most important thing after experiencing trauma such as rape, McDonald said. “This is not something you can deal with on your own,” she said. “I thought I could and it gets to you if it doesn’t have an immediate effect, it has a long-lasting effect.”
“You can either let it take over you, or you can be in control of it,” Holland said. “You will eventually be at a place that’s ok. You can still be successful. No one’s going to look at you and define you by what happened to you.” The more survivors that speak out to tell their stories, like McDonald and Holland, and the more people get involved with helping those in need of safety from situations of violence, like Parker, the closer our culture is to eliminating the epidemic of sexual assault. “We’re a violent culture. There’s tension in the world,” Parker said. “We’ve got a lot of work to do.”
* = Victim’s name has been changed per their request.
Twitter: Sexual assault is a big, sometimes overlooked, problem at Elon. Victims share their stories.
